Facing the Inner Critic: A Journey to Self-Acceptance and Leadership
The inner critic. We all have one—that persistent voice in our heads reminding us of all the ways we’re not enough. It tells us we can’t do something, that we’re unworthy, or that we’re destined to fail. But what if I told you that this voice, despite its harshness, isn’t your enemy? In fact, it’s a part of you—just trying, in its misguided way, to keep you safe.
As I prepare for my first men’s retreat as a co-facilitator, the voice of my inner critic has grown louder. Thoughts like, Who am I to lead men? or How can I guide others through the emotional and spiritual territory I’m still navigating myself? have been echoing in my mind.
For a long time, I avoided offering my services specifically to men. Most of my deepest wounds—sexual, physical, emotional—came at the hands of men. How could I step into this realm when my body didn’t even feel safe around men? But leaning into men’s work has been one of the most profound healing experiences of my life.
Understanding Parts Work: The Polymind vs. the Monomind
Before we dive deeper into the inner critic, it’s important to understand how the mind operates in terms of parts. Internal Family Systems (IFS), a therapeutic approach I often draw on in my coaching, suggests that our psyche is made up of various parts or subpersonalities, each with its own voice and purpose. This stands in contrast to the traditional idea of a monomind, where we operate as a single, unified voice. Instead, most of us experience a polymind, where different parts of us emerge at different times, each with a unique role—whether that’s the inner critic, the nurturer, the protector, or even the playful child.
This doesn’t mean we’re fragmented or mentally ill. In fact, it’s natural to have these various inner voices. The key is learning to identify and understand them, bringing them into balance. Parts work helps us recognize that the inner critic is just one of many parts, all of which play a role in trying to protect or guide us.
You might wonder how this compares to something like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is classified in the DSM-5. DID is a serious mental health condition where a person experiences distinct identities or personality states that may take control of their behavior. This condition often arises as a response to severe trauma and is characterized by a more pronounced fragmentation of identity, with each personality state having its own memories, behaviors, and even physical responses.
In contrast, IFS and the concept of the polymind do not suggest fragmentation or disorder. Instead, they recognize that all of us have different parts within a single, coherent self. These parts may have conflicting needs or desires, but they ultimately work within the framework of one whole person. Where DID involves distinct identities taking over, parts work focuses on helping the various parts of us work together, creating a sense of harmony and integration. The inner critic, then, is not a separate personality—it’s simply one voice among many, and its goal is to protect us, even if its methods are harsh or unhelpful.
My Breakthrough with Men’s Work
Joining a men’s group was a game-changer. For the first time, I found myself in a space where men saw me as an equal. They weren’t there to dominate, judge, or shame. They were there to change, grow, and help each other do the same. It wasn’t a place to “call people out”; it was a space to call them forward.
I’ll never forget my first meeting, sitting in a circle with nine other men, most of whom were strangers. I was raw, vulnerable, and unsure of what to share. Yet, when I spoke, they listened. They weren’t just waiting for their turn to talk or dismissing my experience. They held space for me, with a level of respect and interest that I wasn’t used to.
This environment helped me become more comfortable in my own skin. But now, as I prepare to lead my own men’s group, the inner critic has resurfaced. Who am I to lead these men? How can I help them connect with their emotions and unconscious psyche when I still wrestle with my own?
This is where the inner critic shows its true colors. It isn’t here to destroy me—it’s here to protect me. The problem is, it’s often trying to keep me safe from things that no longer serve me. So, how do we work with this part of ourselves, rather than fight it?
5 Steps to Transform Your Inner Critic
Step 1: Identify the Origins
The first step in working with your inner critic is to figure out where it comes from. Who does this voice remind you of? What does it say that sounds familiar? Is it a parent, a teacher, or perhaps a peer from childhood? This voice is a collection of messages you’ve picked up over the years, and once you identify its source, you can begin to understand why it’s so ingrained.
Step 2: Understand What It Wants
Your inner critic isn’t evil. It’s trying to help you avoid pain, disappointment, or embarrassment. Ask yourself, What is this part of me trying to protect me from? Often, the critic is just a scared part of you, doing its best to keep you safe. In my case, the critic steps up when I’m about to embark on something big—like leading a men’s group—because it wants to shield me from potential failure or rejection.
Step 3: Set Boundaries with It
Once you recognize the voice of your inner critic, it’s time to set some boundaries. When it starts whispering—or shouting—its negativity, firmly tell it, “Enough.” Be clear about what’s acceptable and what isn’t. This is an act of self-respect. It’s okay to feel fear or self-doubt, but it’s not okay to allow that fear to dictate your actions or keep you small.
Step 4: Repurpose It
Here’s where the magic happens. Once you’ve identified what your inner critic is trying to protect you from, you can repurpose its energy. Instead of letting it hold you back, let it help you. If your inner critic is a harsh skeptic, let it become your discerning voice, helping you cut through the fluff. If it’s a shaming food critic, transform it into the voice of nourishment, guiding you to make healthy, loving choices.
Step 5: Build a Relationship with It
Transformation doesn’t happen overnight. It takes work. Building a relationship with your inner critic requires patience, discipline, and vigilance. Every time you catch it speaking, take a moment to remind yourself of the boundaries you’ve set. Reinforce the new role you want it to play. Over time, the voice of your critic will soften and become an ally, rather than an adversary.
Leading with Vulnerability
The most powerful thing I’ve learned from men’s work is that sharing my struggles—my inner critic, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities—is what creates real connection. It’s not about how much I know or how much I’ve achieved. What matters is showing up, raw and real, and being willing to grow alongside the men I’m guiding.
That’s what I’ll bring to my first retreat. Yes, I’ve worked through a lot of my own wounds, and yes, I’ve got tools to share. But more than anything, I’ll bring the strength that comes from being honest about my own journey. That’s the type of leadership that will resonate with the men in these groups far more than any material wealth or accolades.
So, when that inner critic pipes up, asking, Who am I to lead? I’ll respond with, I’m the guy who’s been where you are, who’s done the work, and who’s ready to walk this path with you. I’ve faced my own inner critic, and now I’m here to help you face yours. Together, we’ll step into our true power.
And that’s enough. If you're ready to transform your inner critic and take charge of your life, we can work on this together as part of my Functional Life Coaching program. For those interested in men’s work and connecting with other men on this journey, explore our men's group here. I am on the leadership team, and co-lead meetings with Michael Locolle at the Warrior Brotherhood. Offering in-person and online meetings.
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